Creating a Dharmik Family
Ma Kushmanda
It's still common in traditional Telugu households to offer modaks (undrallu) to Vighneshwara before any big undertaking, such as organizing a wedding. Some rice is also set aside in a bundle for offering naivedya after successfully completing the task. While we do this for a big project, we often forget that little activities are the foundation for big goals.
Take this series of short posts for Navratri, for example. If I am to write each day, dozens of little pieces must fall into place. I should be well enough to write, there should be no emergencies at work needing my attention, my son must follow his usual routine, my helper should have turned up, the fridge and pantry should be stocked so I can prepare meals easily, you get the picture... And this is just for the writing. For this post to see the light of day, an equal number of little things must fall in place for everyone in the team!
There are so many little squirrels collecting pebbles for every Rama Setu engineered by Nala and Neela. A stable and prosperous society is one where everyone gets a chance to express their own creativity and feel fulfilled with their contribution. The Vanaras carried rocks and logs, while the squirrels carried pebbles. Sri Rama did not let the Vanaras mock the little squirrel. Instead, the mighty Rama appreciated the efforts of the little squirrel - for it was an act of love and devotion. The value of any action, big or small, can only be measured on the scale of dharma.
What is dharma? This writer is certainly not qualified to answer academically. But for the ordinary Hindu, dharma is loosely understood as "that which sustains" (Dharayati iti dharmah). Any action which sustains life, sustains a family, and sustains society may be considered dharmic. And so, to try and be dharmik is to be "mindful" of the consequences of our actions. Are we building? Or are we tearing down? Are we adding positivity with our words and actions? Or are we simply hindering someone's efforts or even hindering progress? All decisions start to become simpler once we apply the lens of dharma.
Every action an individual takes can either build or break the family unit. A kind word, an act of support, and a willingness to share household responsibilities make the family. These actions don't look the same in all families, and that's perfectly ok. What's more important is for a family to work as a cohesive unit to build on each other's efforts.
For example, take a family where the husband is an early bird, and the wife prefers to work late. Rather than impose an arbitrary rule that a woman must always be up at the crack of dawn, can the husband or any other adult in the family make tea and breakfast? Can children learn to be supportive of their parents and get their uniforms, water bottles and socks ready the night before? Little choices build on each other to deliver bigger outcomes. Good things happen as each family member starts to optimize for the unit rather than themselves. But what if the woman was chided each morning for waking up later than her husband? Would that help? What if the mother-in-law decided not to lift a finger? Would that be in the interest of the family unit?
Just as we have started to accept "YOLO" without thinking, we have also slowly internalized the idea of a book of rules. These rules define what men and women "should" or "should not" do. Of course, "one size fits all” only means "one size fits none". As a result, individuals start to feel stifled. This gives rise to generalizations that Hindu families are patriarchal, impose unrealistic expectations on women, and do not accept diversity when that's not entirely true. This is not to say all rules are unnecessary. But isn't the underlying spirit more important than the rules themselves?
A "Modern Parivaar" has to make its own rules and find its path to a sustainable existence. In some families, that might involve two careers. In others, perhaps the woman is the primary earner. In yet others, maybe the woman stays at home and homeschools the children. Perhaps the thatha (grandfather) - who is retired and free - is the primary caregiver. Some families might have one child, while another might have three. Some families might celebrate every single festival in the panchanga. Others might only choose one or two. Whatever the choices, it's essential that decisions are made consciously within the framework of dharma. If elders are guided by dharma, children will surely learn by example. In this way, every choice a family makes is a squirrel's contribution toward a dharmik society.
The last word from Hindu Parenting: When there was darkness all around, Devi Kushmanda created the universe with Her smile. The “Modern Parivaar” stands as a bulwark against the dark forces of adharma. As long as all members play their roles with grace to uphold dharma within the parivaar, dharma will surely protect the family, for “dharmo rakshati rakshitah”.